Not Your Mother's Self-Care

I’ve never been one for making New Year’s resolutions. I feel like I’m always trying to improve myself so why do I need to minimize my goals to a few or to only one time in the year? But perhaps I need a resolution, a sankalpa, as we call it in yoga, to bring more focus to my efforts. Even though I engage in a variety of self-enriching

practices, there are some things that I do, which hold me back, reverse my progress and even cause shame. For all these reasons, this year, my resolution is “better self-care.” This is not indicative of the spa attending, “treat yo-self” attitude that usually comes to mind. I mean letting go of behaviors that are not good for me. Self-care is more about taking care of me than taking care of how others view me.

In the next year, I’m attempting to step away from those parts of my life that take away energy from the things that are important to me. It means prioritizing myself, family, friends and career and assessing how certain commitments steal my patience and my time away from the things that are at the top of my list. By giving less time to those things that don’t serve, I am able to devote energy to being kind to myself and others.

Money is another dimension of self-care that I’m exploring. Typically, I’ve spent a lot on my looks or on people in ways that were beyond what I could afford, in order to be liked. Taking care of myself means not spending carelessly or compulsively on things that I don’t need. Instead of trying to fix myself or treat discomfort with shopping (aka “retail therapy”), I can allow uncomfortable feelings to be there and to pass. While I’m waiting for the feelings to wane, I can do something nurturing like write or talk to a friend. This allows me to give myself the connection I’m really trying to get through acquiring stuff. The benefits of this practice are that I feel more secure that I have money for things I need – food, bills – or things that nurture me- experiences.

I also think that taking care of me includes ways that I talk to and about myself. It starts with the thinking. When I catch myself thinking negative thoughts, I can turn to the experience in my body and see how those thoughts may cause discomfort. It might be helpful to check my all or nothing thinking (“I’m so… I’m always…) and correct the thought. I have to pay close attention to the words I say in reference to me. Stop saying bad things about myself. Not that I won’t accept responsibility when I need to correct something, but I don’t have to insult myself or manifest bad feelings about myself by saying those negative things out loud. It’s an interesting but tricky practice.

Finally, self-care includes taking time to do the things I enjoy and feel fulfilled from – spending time with loved ones, meditation, yoga, playing harmonium, and reading. Noticing when I am not doing these activities, is an indication that there’s probably some situation in which I’m involved which is taking time and energy away from allowing me to do these nourishing things.

I am excited about this intention, because it is direct and simple. With the question “Does this person, thing, or activity contribute to or take away from my wellbeing?” I can make decisions that I feel good about in the moment with less regrets.

All my life I have looked for someone to take care of me. I never realized that that someone was me. Here all along.

Much love and blessings.

Marcie